HOW HAS IT ALREADY BEEN ONE MONTH SINCE OUR WEDDING!??!
They say time flies when you're having fun, and I must have been having fun, because this last month has just flown by! I did go on a honeymoon to Hawaii - and that part definitely flew by so quickly. But it's funny because whilst I thought things would calm down down the wedding and getting back from our honeymoon, things have just been pushing along at quite a pace.
And whilst I've only being married for a little over a month, I have come to find the following insights to be almost like guiding principles which I live by and remind myself of whenever I need the reminder. And I feel they are a great way to approach marriage (well, at least so far...!)
So here are my insights...
1) Be a Team & Present a United Front
There are always times when it seems that a situation or circumstance is set to divide you, but in those moments (even more so than in others) it is essential to be a team and present a united front. We had a situation which arose recently which was designed break us, but we didn't break. In fact, this situation actually made us stronger and brought us closer together as a couple. And if that is not a testament to our relationship, then I do't know what is.!
It's easy to be a team in the good times, but it's even more crucial to present that united front in the challenging times. The times that are designed to test you present an opportunity for you to strengthen your connection, support and love for one another. They are unique opportunities which test the commitment you have for one another and for your relationship and future together. I am forever grateful and feel so fortunate to have married my best friend and someone who is so supportive of me through the good times and the tough* times.
* I say tough times because whilst there are times which feel "bad" when we view them this way it can create a fixed or rigid mindset which can actually hamper our personal growth such that it keeps us in a victim mentality. They say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" - so apply that concept here. Yes times may be tough, but so are you! And so is your marriage and relationship - together you and your partner can achieve whatever you set your mind to and you can overcome anything! So trust each other and trust IN each other - sometimes this is all that is needed.
2) Fight for Comms (a.k.a communicate)
Something that I have really been working on over his last month (probably more than I ever have before) is really fighting to make sure that I am being open and honest with my husband about how I am feeling and what I need. I think this has been helpful for both of us to ensure we are aware of both of our needs and also to feel that we can both voice these things to each other without fear of rejection or judgement. In high emotive moments, it can be hard to hold space when your ego is bruised, but it's in these times that communication is the MOST important. Remembering that we are all only human, just like you, your partner is also going to have moments where their immature inner child pops up, but that doesn't mean they don't love you. Use these instances of high emotion as an opportunity to see a glimpse into your partner's world. I have found this to be particularly useful - albeit, after my emotions have calmed down and the main emotive event has subsided.
I acknowledge that it can be SUPER hard in the moment to take control of your emotions and objectively hold space for someone who may not be displaying the most respectful emotions or who may not be conducting themselves as you would normally expect.** But I would encourage you, that after the situation has calmed down, to take a step back and consider the bigger picture of what might have been going on. There is always more to the story than we think in these high emotive moments. So rather than project, assume and judge, lead with curiosity, compassion and an intention to understand.
** I will preface this that this does not include abusive behaviour. If you are in a dangerous situation or someone is being abuse towards you, please disregard this statement. This applies to situations where your partner has had a "moment" or a "bad day" and you can see they are overcome and overwhelmed by their emotions or the stress they are under. Behaviour that is abusive or disrespectful is not to be tolerated and I would advocate that you seek professional help and keep yourself safe.
3) Honour your Own Needs
In the last month, there have been some quite challenging times, and in those moments I have secretly wished that someone would just swoop in and save me. But it's in these moments that I have found the most power in honouring my own needs and taking the steps I feel are necessary to overcome any challenge I have faced. There is no one else that can do this except for you. No one else can ask the question, express your view, ask for understanding, seek clarity, or advocate for your needs other than you. It is up to YOU to determine what you need in any given moment and then find a way to get that for, or give it to, yourself. For example, if you need reassurance, yes you can go and seek reassurance from someone else, but be careful in doing this because external validation often doesn't give us what we think it will. Usually when we are seeking something from someone else it's because we don't believe we can give those things to ourselves. But this is not necessarily true. I recently had something that I felt that I needed to obtain from others, a feeling or a statement of reassurance which I believed could only be obtained from outside of myself and through someone else. But when I really sat down with my thoughts and journaled, I realised the feeling and reassurance I was craving was coming from my inner child and that as an adult, I had everything I needed to reassure and comfort her. I could tell her what she needed to hear and reassure her that she was safe and was loved, cared and supported. And would you believe it, that need slowly started to be fulfilled the more I reminded myself of this and tapped into those needs of my inner child.
So, for all those of you out there who think it's all a little "woo woo", I did at first too. But then the more I tapped into my feelings and really tried to understand what I was feeling and what I needed I was able to ascertain and determine ways to fulfil those needs for myself thereby empowering myself as the heroine of my own story.
4) Ask for what you want
Unfortunately as much as it would be nice to say that the act of marriage somehow telepathically connects you to your partner, it doesn't in reality. Sure, there are times when I can look at Rupert and know what he is thinking or feeling just by looking at him, but that doesn't mean that I actually know what is going on in his head or the thoughts that are circling in his mind. And so the same goes for him not being able to read my mind and instantly know what I need and what I want at any given moment. This is where you really need to strengthen your advocacy muscle and ask for what you want. And I have found that in reminding myself that the commitment of marriage is an enduring commitment to showing up for and loving each other in the good and bad times. It's a commitment to supporting each other through those times and wanting to understand how each other feels so that you can band together and approach life as a team. This is just to say that, your partner is going to want you to be happy and wants to do whatever they can to help you and make you feel at your best, so all you have to do it ask rather than stay stagnant waiting for someone to read your mind and tell you what you want or even just hand it to you on a silver platter. Marriage, like any other relationship, takes work and it's up to you to do your part of the work so that your Other Half can play their part and complete the other part of the work.
5) Listen to understand
It's easy to listen to someone with the intent of responding and counterarguing what they are saying. However, it is a unique strength to simply be able to listen for the purposes of understanding what the other person may be feeling or experiencing. I did this the other week. I had made up my mind that it didn't matter what I was feeling or what I wanted in that particular moment, because I knew that this other person was going through a lot and I needed to try and understand their perspective so that I could best support them. So I shifted my mindset to a place where empathy and understanding were my objectives for the conversation. And it was in doing his that I gained a new perspective into a scenario that I had misread. I had assumed something to have been a large influence or factor, when in reality it wasn't and there were a number of other things which had contributed to a particular scenario playing out.
6) Don't be afraid to be a beginner
We get this idea in our minds that we have to now everything before we actually learn it or that we have to have all the answers even before we've asked the questions. But it's in embracing the opportunity to be a beginner again that we can truly appreciate the ability to explore and learn something new. Learning is something that I absolutely love, but the idea of having to concede that I don't know what I feel I should know has always made me feel super inadequate and unworthy. But since getting married, I have started to embrace the idea of being a beginner at things. For example, I have never been married before, so how am I meant to know how to be "the best wife" if I have never done it before. I can have an idea in my mind of what I think that might look like, but I am never going to know until my experiences teach me so. So being prepared for, and accepting that, mistakes and misunderstandings to occur and being ok with accepting that there will be new lessons and learnings to take away fro new situations that I have never encountered before is a new and, somewhat, uncomfortable concept and mindset for me. But I know that growth doesn't occur in comfort zones. And so to enable my own personal growth, I am going to have lean into the discomfort and embrace it rather than shy away from it.
So there you have it, my insights from a very limited experience of married life so far. But I feel they are transferable and useful for so many other aspects of life as well, and I have integrated many of these principles and concepts into my life more generally - they have really being paying off already!
I am keen to hear your insights if you're married (doesn't matter how long for) if you have any insights or life lessons which you have gained from your married life and how you have found them useful in your approach to marriage, other relationships, settings and life more generally.
I hope you have found this somewhat useful, or at least insightful. Comment below and let me know any takeaways or key insights that you've gained.
I love hearing your perspectives and insights, and getting to know you!
Love always,
xx