Are you in a toxic relationship with yourself?

We are forever vetting and critiquing the relationships that we have with others, but we aren't as quick to jump to the same conclusions for the relationship we have with ourselves. Why do you think this might be? Probably because from a very young age, we are taught to put ourselves last and criticise and hold ourselves to unrealistic standards. As a result, we become used to treating ourselves in such a way that we would never treat our friends and loved ones.

 

So naturally, this is one relationship that we are very keen to discuss.

 

Here at SSU, we are very passionate about ensuring we embody holistic wellness and that we promote relationships with ourselves and others that are healthy.

 

If you were in a relationship with someone who constantly put you down, told your weren't worthy of the love you crave, criticised your appearance, denied you food, and made you endure hours and hours of rigorous exercise just to get any form of love, you'd probably not be in a relationship with them for very long would you?

 

Well, we certainly hope not!

 

So why don't he same rules apply to the relationship you have with yourself? Why do we suddenly turn a blind eye to the most important relationship you will ever have? That is, the relationship that you have with yourself.

 

It is easy to point the finger at others' relationships and class them as toxic, but it's not so simple to do that for your relationship with yourself because that requires an element of self-reflection which can often be quite uncomfortable.

 

So, it's easy for this kind of thing to go unnoticed. So we wanted to shine a light on this and get you thinking about whether you might be in a toxic relationship with yourself and what you can do to move towards a more healthy relationship.

 

To help you identify whether you are in a toxic relationship with yourself, we have created a list of questions for you:

 

Are you in a toxic relationship with yourself?

(This is a non-exhaustive list of questions which you can ask yourself to help you determine whether you are in a toxic relationship with yourself. There are plenty of other signs and indicators that this may, or may not, be the case.) 

1. Do you frequently criticise or berate yourself for your physical appearance or perceived flaws?
2. Are you constantly comparing yourself to others, feeling inferior or inadequate as a result?
3. Do you engage in extreme or unhealthy behaviours to try and change your body, such as strict diets, excessive exercise, or body-shaming thoughts?
4. Are you unable to accept compliments or positive feedback about your appearance, dismissing them or feeling unworthy?
5. Do you prioritize your body's appearance over its overall well-being, neglecting self-care or engaging in harmful habits?
6. Are you overly fixated on specific body parts or features, obsessing over them and allowing them to define your self-worth?
7. Do you avoid certain activities or social situations because you feel self-conscious about your body?
8. Are you constantly seeking validation or external approval to feel good about yourself and your body?
9. Do you struggle with feelings of guilt, shame, or disgust when it comes to your body and its natural changes?
10. Are you unable to show yourself compassion or kindness when it comes to your body image struggles?

 

If you answered "yes" to a some or all of these questions, it may be worth investigating this a little further.

 

What happens when you're in a toxic relationship with yourself?

It is common when you're in this kind of relationship with yourself to seek your validation from external sources and crave approval and love from others. This is because the love that you really crave is not being given to you by the person you are craving it from (i.e. yourself) and so you crave it from other places.

 

Just like in a toxic relationship with another person, there are long lasting and damaging affects which can come as a result of this. It is important to recognise toxic behaviours and unhealthy thought patterns in yourself if you are to break out of this relationship with yourself.

 

How to move into a healthier relationship with yourself?

This can be a tricky thing to navigate because it can seem so uncertain and foreign. And to be honest, that's probably because it is. You are so used to thinking and acting in a certain way that any deviation or changes to this will seem super odd and often, at times, uncomfortable. However, despite this we encourage you be brave and push on. The very thing you crave is waiting on the other side of that fear, uncertainty or discomfort that you are feeling right now.

 

Knowing this it is important to regularly check-in with yourself and implement some strategies to help you identify current toxic behaviours and thoughts and the way they make you feel and impact your life. This then provides the foundation from which you will then be able to move into a more healthy relationship with yourself.

 

Steps to ending a toxic relationship with yourself:

1. Identify and become aware of the toxic behaviours and thought patterns you have. It can be even helpful to make a list sometimes if that is how you like to work.
2. Start catching yourself in these toxic behaviour and thought patterns.
3. Begin to notice how you feel when these toxic behaviours and thoughts come up.
4. Write down how the situation made you feel and the way that the toxic thought and behavioural patterns felt.
5. Next time you are in a situation which one of these behaviours or thoughts come up, lead with kindness and compassion first.
6. Reflect on how the choice to lead with kindness and compassion towards yourself made you feel.
7. Start substituting unhealthy thought patterns and behaviours out with healthier options for you.
8. Regularly stop and reflect on the changes you have made or things that have remained the same and check-in with yourself using the above questionnaire to see whether you've moved out of a toxic relationship and into a more healthier one with yourself.

 

Please note that this is not going to be a quick-fix, and it is not going to suddenly change overnight. There will be ups and downs and it will take time. But with practice and consistency, you will start to feel more of the new thinking and behaviour becoming a more natural and normal part of your life and everyday practices. Hang in there gorgeous, you are so worthy and deserving of a loving and healthy relationship with yourself! 

 

What is a healthy relationship with myself meant to feel like?

One of the main things to learn is to tune into how your experiences, thoughts and behaviours make you feel. Being in a healthy relationship with always feel different to being in a toxic relationship. So these differences in how you feel can give you a good indication about how your relationship with yourself is tracking and the areas you are still requiring further reflection and thought/behavioural shifts.

 

Here are a list of some of the differences between a healthy and toxic relationship with yourself and what it can feel like:

(Please note that this list is not exhaustive and that there are several other ways you can feel in these kinds of relationships)

 

"I don't think I'm in a toxic relationship with myself but I answered yes to most of the questions above."

It can be hard to identify when you have been in this kind of relationship with yourself for such a long time. One way which can help you to identify whether you are in a toxic relationship with yourself is to think about the kinds of things that you say to yourself and about yourself, consider whether you would say those same things, or act that same way, towards a friend. If the answer is "no", then despite what you may think, it is likely that you are in a toxic relationship with yourself.

 

Another thing that is supe important to remember is that it is NOT YOUR FAULT that you are in this situation. You have NOT done anything wrong and you are NOT "bad" because you are in this situation. Think of it this way: Growing up, we are taught to hate our body before we are told to love it. Most of the stuff out there is about how we can "improve" and change our bodies, not how we can love and embrace them as they are. The odds were stacked against you, so it's no wonder you feel about your body the way that you do.

 

We would love to get a conversation going about this with our SSU community.

 

So, if you're comfortable, we'd love for you to share with us one toxic behaviour or thought you have in relation to your body. You can share with us in the comments, in stories, or DM us if you'd like to. We will be sharing the responses with the rest of our community, but all responses will be kept anonymous.

 

It's a great way to help all of our community members feel seen and not feel like they are alone in what they are experiencing.

 

We hope that you have found this blog post helpful. If you wish to provide any insights or feedback, we'd love to hear from you. Please send us an email at jordy@sheshowsup.com.au or slide into our DMs and have a chat.

 

Disclaimer: The information provided is not a substitute for professional advice. If you suspect you are in a toxic relationship, seek assistance from a qualified professional, such as a therapist or counsellor, for tailored guidance and support. Your safety and well-being are important, and reaching out for help is a courageous step towards creating a healthier future.

 

Keep showing up for you gorgeous!

 

Jordy xx