One thing that always stuck with me when I was going through my eating disorder was the various things people would say to me which was designed to "pull me out" of the headspace I was in and try to bring me "back to reality", as it were. The one thing that these people didn't realise was that what I was going through WAS my reality, it just wasn't theirs. I say this, not to make you feel bad if you have used one of these phrases but more to shed some insight as to how they may be perceived by someone with an eating disorder. People with an eating disorder don't want to feel invalidated or shamed - they want to feel heard and seen.
When I was going through my eating disorder, there were a bunch of things that I wished people wouldn't say, and the following phrases were just the main ones that came to mind...
(1) "But you aren't/weren't THAT skinny."
There is a common misconception that you have to be a certain size and/or weight to have an eating disorder. This is an absolute myth. The insidious thing about eating disorders is that they do not discriminate between body shapes or types. People of all shapes and sizes can have an eating disorder and it cannot be summed up in this phrase to determine whether someone may be suffering, or have previously suffered, from an eating disorder. I remember that I had this said to me once, and it made me feel so invalidated because essentially I was being told that what I went through couldn't have been real because I didn't fit the stereotypical look/mould of what a person with an eating disorder looked like. When people have an eating disorder, they already feel misunderstood, not seen, unworthy and not enough - the last thing they need is to be reminded of this by being further invalidated about their lived experiences and struggles.
(2) "Eating disorders are self-inflict and a choice."
This is 100% not true. I hate hearing this, and in fact it shows a complete lack of compassion and high degree of ignorance to suggest such a thing. Eating disorders are often developed as a coping mechanism to external factors which an individual cannot control. They are a means of survival and "peace" for the person suffering from the eating disorder. It's only natural for a person when faced with a situation in which they cannot control much if anything to want to regain control in their life in some way. Often, especially for young girls and women, this is done through restriction or controlling of food and gruelling exercise regimes. When you tell someone with an eating disorder that they are "doing it to themselves" or that they chose to have an eating disorder, this invalidates them and their experiences. This tells them that what they are going through is not important and neither are they. This will usually lead to them spiralling further into their eating disorder and having less trust for others because they feel judged.
(3) "Why don't you just eat?"
Controlling food is one of the primary tools in an individual's toolbox when they are suffering from an eating disorder. Trust me, if it were that simple then eating disorders wouldn't be so prevalent in society, and anorexia wouldn't be one of the leading causes of premature mortality in young women. Don't forget, there are different types of eating disorders and some people actually do eat, but they still have an eating disorder. So you cannot simply say that "just eating" will solve a person's issues. Often the reason behind an eating disorder really has absolutely nothing to do with food, but it manifests itself as food restriction. Try shifting the focus away from food - you are more likely to get a better response this way. When you move the focus way from food and direct it towards your loved one, the person you care about is going to feel more seen as a person and they are more likely going to be willing to talk to you than if they feel that you are telling them what, when and how much to eat.
(4) "What's wrong with you?"
We already feel bad enough about ourselves, we don't need to be reminded or told that we are "weird" or "different" but others as well. That just adds to the negative way we feel about ourselves and our bodies which is more harmful than helpful. Just for the record, there is nothing wrong with some suffering from an eating disorder. They are sick and they are mentally unwell. This does not mean that there is something wrong with them by any means. Rather than saying this, which is likely to offend the person you care about, why not try mentioning your concern and that your willingness to support them and help them in anyway that you can. This is likely to be much more well received and is less likely to lead to a situation where the person feels attacked and judged.
(5) "Why are you doing this to me?"
Let's get one thing straight, we're not doing this to anyone but ourselves. It's easy for family members and friends to take a loved one's eating disorder personally, but remember that they are not purposely doing what they're doing to hurt you. The things they are doing are to themselves, you just happen to be in their environment as so it seems that they are doing it to you as you have probably been telling them not to and you are worried about them. It's easy to fall into this line of thinking, but it's not helpful if you voice this to your loved one who is suffering from the eating disorder. Your loved one is not meaning to cause harm to anyone, they are merely doing their best to get through each day in the only way that they know how. Sometimes this will look like food restriction, other times this will look like overexercising or other things. This often has nothing to do with other people and is solely to do with the person suffering from the eating disorder.
(6) "Just snap out of it!"
Trust me, if it were that simple we would. Eating disorders are complex and often require input from a number of different health professionals for individuals to be able to overcome them. So simplifying down to such a simple phrase can be infuriating for sufferers because it shows complete disregard for the complexities that come with it. When people simplify an eating disorder it can cause the person suffering from it to feel stupid and like they're incompetent because people are telling them how easy it is to do but they just can't seem to do it. From experience, it is so much harder than people on the outside will ever understand. Imagine living with someone in your head every day telling you that you're not good enough or that you're unworthy or that you don't deserve to eat or be happy. It's horrible and unrelenting, it's just down right exhausting. And this is the reality that so many people with eating disorders go through every day.
(7) "If you think YOU'RE fat, then I must be obese."
This was a pet peeve of mine when someone would compare themselves to me and make me feel bad about how I thought they looked based on how I judged myself. The truth is, someone with an eating disorder loves other people's bodies and the way that other people look, they just despise and hate the way that they look themselves. They are highly critical of their own bodies but love and worship others' bodies. Saying this to someone with an eating disorder is likely to cause more harm than good because it makes us feel guilty for feeling the way we do about our own bodies which often makes everything so much worse because our coping mechanism is to turn to out eating disorder when we feel bad. Instead of offering your opinion about how you think they look, focus on other things. The person is likely to feel much less attacked or threatened when you take the focus away from their image and their appearance. As I have mentioned previously in this blog post, eating disorders are rarely just about weight and food, there is usually some deeper issue going on beneath the surface and the eating disorder is used as a coping mechanism.
(8) "You've gained weight, you look great."
This is about the worst thing you could say to someone with an eating disorder. The primary focus in someone's mind when they have an eating disorder is often weight loss (not always). But the last thing they will want to hear is that they have gained weight. Usually this will trigger someone with an eating disorder to spiral further - I know that this was certainly the case for myself. I would get super triggered when someone would talk to me about the way I looked and gave their opinion about the way that they thought I looked. It was super unhelpful and almost harmful to any attempts at weight restoration because one of the scariest things for me during this phase of my life was gaining weight and whilst I may have been going through the process, I didn't want to be reminded about it.
Remember you cannot stand in their shoes and go through what they have gone through. But you can listen and try and understand what it must have felt like to endure. It is important that when talking to some who you may think has an eating disorder that you lead with love and compassion rather that fear tactics and shame. People with eating disorders already carry a lot of guilt and shame, the last thing that is going to help them is for someone to come along and add to that.
I am interested to hear if you have an eating disorder, or if you have suffered from one in the past, what types of myths did people throw at you or tell you which made it harder for you to talk to them or trust them? What advice would you give someone attempting to talk to a friend or loved one with an eating disorder?
Until next time,
Take care of yourself gorgeous!
Jordy xx