Do you ever second-guess yourself because you think that whatever decision you come to must be wrong? Do you then beat yourself up about it later and wish that you had chosen differently? Do you ever get really upset because of the decisions that you make?
Have you ever made a decision based on what you thought others would think? Have you ever changed your initial decision because of something that someone else said to you?
If you're anything like me, then you will have spent a lot of time second-guessing your decisions. I cannot tell you the amount of time I have spent focussing on whether I have made the "right" decision, only to work out that it didn't matter in the first place. That's one of the most frustrating things about a decision, there is never usually one "right" decision. Often there may be a "better" or "more ideal" decision, but rarely will you actually be in a situation where you have made a "wrong" decision.
Well, obviously this doesn't concern decisions about safety and more life-threatening decisions. I am talking about your more day-to-day decisions about whether to order the chicken risotto or the lasagne.
I am sure you know what I am talking about.
I don't know how common it is, but I know that this has happened to me a number of times and that I am ready to change things for myself and free myself from the shackles of "should".
When we second-guess ourselves we are subconsciously telling ourselves that we can't trust our intuition and that we don't know what is best for ourselves and our lives. We undermine our own ability to decide for ourselves and instead seek external validation when making decisions.
Over time what this does is it erodes our sense of self and our self-trust. We then start to second-guess every aspect of our lives and out-source our decision-making so that we get the closure that another person has "approved" of the decision that we have made.
Showing up for ourselves looks like listening to our gut instinct and what our intuition is telling us rather than ignoring those feelings and our intuition. It's saying no to something when we want to say yes, regardless of how that may appear to others. It's saying yes to what lights us up and makes us feel fulfilled and motivated.
Have you ever had an instinctual reaction to a question or choice but then ignored it because you have suddenly thought about what others would think or how you maybe "judged" by others? Have you ever been faced with a choice and experienced analysis paralysis and an inability to choose between options out of fear you'll make the wrong decision?
One particular example comes to mind which related to my wanting to achieve a particular career ambition. I had my sights set on a particular promotion and position however when it actually came time for me to take the steps necessary to turn that goal into a reality, I choked. I started worrying about all the potential things that could go wrong and what people would think. I created stories in my head about what would happen if I made particular choices and in the end, none of the things I was worried about ever came true, except that I didn't get the promotion I wanted and therefore the very thing that I wanted didn't happen all because kept coming up with reasons about why it wasn't going to work. I talked myself out of getting my promotion by delaying the decision-making process. I delayed the process so much that by the time I had decided about what I wanted (or so I thought) the decision was taken away from me and I ended up regretting that I hadn't made my decision sooner. I became angry at the situation, and found several reasons to blame for why the outcome I wanted hadn't eventuated. But in reality, the real reason I didn't get the outcome I wanted was because I didn't stand in my power and stay true to what I really wanted and asked for it.
So, I guess through the use of this example I am trying to illustrate that second-guessing ourselves often only leads to disappointment, upset and frustration at ourselves. We disempower ourselves and empower others to make decisions for ourselves, and then we get upset when others don't make the decisions or do the things that we want, the way we want them to be done. It just logically doesn't work - we can't have it both ways. If we want certain things in our lives, we have to be the ones to make them happen and to action them. No one else is going to be able to do that and give us what we need if we can't first do that for ourselves.
The hardest pill for me to swallow in the example I gave was that I was the reason I didn't get what I wanted. I was standing in my own way from achieving my desired outcome. I had been spending too much time worry about things that didn't really matter in the end that I stopped myself from getting the very thing I had the opportunity to get. And it was all because I was stuck in my head and refused to silence that inner mean girl to allow me to focus on what was really important to me.
My top 3 tips to stop second-guessing yourself are:
- Take a deep breath in and slow down.
- Ask yourself your reasoning for the decision. If your heart/gut instinct is saying 'yes' but your head is not so sure, go with your heart/gut instinct.
- Feel the fear and do it anyway (within reason of course, however don't think that just because it makes you nervous that it isn't a good idea - fear operates to keep us safe and in our comfort zone).
At the end of the day, if you have made the wrong decision it is a learning experience and you will be able to choose differently next time. Alternatively, you might actually surprise yourself and have made the best decision FOR YOU. Majority of the time when we are stuck in a state of analysis paralysis it's because we are thinking too broadly about a decision or too specifically. We are either worrying about what others are going to think of us, or we are judging ourselves for every tiny little issue that we can conjure up in our mind.
One of the key ways to prevent a situation of second-guessing yourself is to get out of your head and into your heart. Stop thinking and start doing what feels right to you.
I would be keen to know, have you ever experienced a situation where you were so worried about making a decision that you ended up self-sabotaging yourself and didn't end up making the decision you really wanted? If you are comfortable, I would love you to share you experience with in the She Shows Up Facebook Group, or feel free to DM me if you would prefer.
I hope this first blog post has been somewhat helpful for you - please feel free to share any feedback you have with me.
Take care of you
Jordy xx